While amusing on some level, the ways social networking have impacted human interactions are most often disturbing.  With so much information (desired or not) available at any time of day or night, about any person anywhere within our realm of contact, we continue to feel more and more isolated.  Which makes sense.  Intimacy is a limited resource meant to be lavished on those closest to our hearts, not squandered on every passerby. 

How many times have you followed circles of passive aggressivity around any given network, to find a person who called you his or her best friend was actually (gasp) calling someone else best friend?  (Or better, how many times have you initiated such passive aggressivity?)

How many times have you read something controversial, posted with the intention of starting a fight (either to validate someone's ability to argue, or merely to stave off boredom)?

How many times have you read people's updates and known they were trying to convince themselves as much as others that their lives are interesting, or difficult, or excellent?

What is real anymore?

We are so fabricated and polished in our self-portrayals that it is near impossible to honestly represent ourselves.  Do we even exist aside from others' perceptions of us?  Are we entities separate from opinions, in our own minds or in the minds of those who judge through a mirror dimly?  

Most of the time, I wish people would just say what they mean.   

I am too tired, and too old, to figure out which hoops people want me to jump through.  And too blessed to ask others to jump through mine.

What would your answer be to the following question:
If what God truly wants from you is you, what do you think it means to offer yourself to Him spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically?

Here's mine (raw, unedited; apologies in advance):

Living as a sacrifice means giving God the first and best of every day.  It means asking what God wants from me, rather than coming with a previously negotiated offer of what I am willing to give.  It means not determining my gifting or giving by a cost-benefit analysis of how my offering will be perceived by others, by myself or by God.  He sees all things, anyway.  And is not deceived.  Presentation and performance are not nearly as important as intention.  He judges my heart. His is the ultimate Opinion-- not mine, not my parents', not my colleagues', not my friends'.  I can fool everyone, to some extent.  Even myself.  But I will not be judged ultimately by the sum of incomplete glimpses gathered by those on my level, or slightly beyond or behind me in this race of life.  I will be judged by One who is over all, who knows all, and who cannot be fooled. 

1. Spiritually - I must worship with intention.  I worship something every day, whether it be my schedule or my achievements, or my misery.  From now on, I must choose to worship His (and not my own) agenda.

2. Emotionally - I must live every day from Eternity's perspective, and encourage those around me to do the same.  I must not get distracted or discouraged by things that don't matter, thereby becoming numb to everything that does.  I must find my center, my margins and my limits only in Him.

3. Intellectually - I must invest my intellect in things of Eternal value.  I must give some time every day, no matter how brief, to study of things that will not fade with time.  I must read the Word like my life depends on it.  And I must not read the only book of eternal significance with my eyes mostly closed.

4. Physically - I must take care of my physical body so it does not limit my pursuit of any of the above goals.

For a very long while on this blog, I have written in vague abstractions.  Not for the express purpose of being vague, or even necessarily abstract, but simply because the bigger picture of my life has been generally lost in the barrage of daily drudgery.  However, in order to properly explain a certain interaction that occurred yesterday, some background is necessary.

I am 25 26 years old, or rather I have been 26 years old for 1.75 hours.  This is a frightening confession; I have now tipped the balance into my later 20's, achieving along the way many goals others set for me and very few that I have set for myself.  Furthermore, I now find the prospect of setting goals both superfluous and overhwelming.  And so I whittle away at the details of life, hoping to forget that the overarching theme knit by such details is despicable decidedly less appealing.

To clarify, I spent the majority of my early 20's pursuing a career in medicine that I at last possess and have long despised.  This statement shouldn't trouble you too deeply, dear reader, since most medical interns despise their jobs and a good many of them despise their lives as well. 

Last night as I prayed (or rather, as thoughts tumbled through my head and landed in a messy heap that I attempted to hand over to God), a familiar feeling crept over my heart.  I pictured myself returning to the hospital to pick up work I can't stand, plowing towards a future that disgusts me.  What feeling arose within my unsteady heart? 

Anxiety?  Not exactly.  I'm no longer afraid of anything, after learning the extent to which misery can run one's life and finding there are always small pockets of sunshine that can be reclaimed. 

Apathy?  Not really.  While I have tried not to care about opinions and evaluations, my type A self could never be squelched to the point of disinterest in outcome. 

Fatigue?  Of course, to some extent, but that feeling alone is not sufficient to account for my aversion to leaving Buffalo every week. 

Ah yes. Emptiness.

So in my thoughts, or prayers, or the mix of the two I asked God why the impending months induce such immediate and powerful feelings of nausea.  And I realized that little by little, I had edged everything important and positive out of my life -- thinking that somehow a streamlined approach would get me to the goal (completion of training and the ability to move on to another career without feeling like a quitter) more quickly.  Frustrated, I asked God why He didn't seem to be affecting much change in my situation away from Buffalo.  More clearly than my wit could've responded, I heard His reply:

"You never bring me there."

Touché.

From a conversation with Cory tonight:

"When I find myself envious of others' achievements, I try to step back and separate what is from what appears to be.  Like Paul said, many things are 'destined to perish with use'.  Most of the things we seek to master on this earth will become superfluous in the next. 

"There will be no deaf people in heaven.  As a result, interpreters will be unnecessary. 

"There will be no sick people in heaven.  Thus, doctors will be unnecessary.  

"All the time, energy and talent sunk into these pursuits will perish with use.  Unless, of course, such pursuits are used to turn hearts towards heaven. 

"This perspective turns envy into compassion, demanding that we weigh accomplishments by scales that endure: scales that do not shift with time or place.  We find ourselves pitying (not envying) those who don't live by such standards, because we realize they have wasted their entire lives building kingdoms that don't matter."